@cervixsmash: Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet
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@AsianOtherWhite: My dog has figured out I'm Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it. Silly dog, I'm not going to eat you until I train a replacement.
@Carbosly: Baby showers are so weird. It's like "hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system".
@iwearaonesie: mother-in-law (on FB): I'm tired of everyone being so condesending *wife tackles me before I can write "you spelled 'condescending' wrong"*
@robdelaney: TEENS: You might find yourself "embarrassed" by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.