@cervixsmash: Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet
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@hansabumsadaisy: #rubbishjokes Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
@KevinFarzad: According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet
@OhNoSheTwitnt: While it's true that gay marriage doesn't nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it's not your birthday anymore.
@notalogin: *I look into abyss* *Abyss looks at me* *Abyss blinking message in Morse code* *I go off to learn Morse* *I return* "Why do we park in a dri