Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
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My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Baking is just science you can eat.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
nature’s most graceful animal