Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.