You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
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[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I was bored.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.