Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
thank god the sign was there
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Siri: Retweet me.
And that about sums it up.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.