Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
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Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.