HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
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I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.