Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
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You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
San Francisco has too many rules
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper