Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.