I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
You Might Also Like
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Pat is about to own someone
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?