Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
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Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
@funTweeters
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.