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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!