“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.