Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025