Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.