Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Art by Pastelkatto
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.