[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.