*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
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[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.