3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
You Might Also Like
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
United Steaks of America
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog