Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.