@JanelSantaCruz: Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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@shivkumarrx: What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant???? #RT
@VaguelyFunnyDan: (Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today's pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
@PaperWash: idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
@KalvinMacleod: HUSBAND 911: what your emergency? ME: my wife hears everything HUSBAND 911: do I? ME: what? HUSBAND 911: what?