@JanelSantaCruz: Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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@themiltron: [God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they— GOD: Make it undrinkable.
@Cain_Unable: -"I hear the Israeli PM isn't too worried about that latest hack because.." -"Please don't" -"...Benjamin's Not on Yahoo" -"I'm leaving you"
@BareChesty: 911: What's your emergency? Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead 911: Can you verify that he's dead? *gunshot* Me: Yep, he's dead