Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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.. do you even science?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
⛄️
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper