shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you