shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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Motion detecting home security camera working well!
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
You better watch out
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Made something I’m not proud of
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.