Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.