Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
doing some research
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
These aliens are taking forever.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent