SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
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I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.