@DrBacos: Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We're just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.
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@Darlainky: A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, "Well, we were separated at birth."
@T_N_Crumpets: [Restaurant] Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
@ramblinma: I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy "that Santa brought" and now I'm stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
@shariv67: If movies have taught me anything, it's that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.