Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
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y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it