@weinerdog4life: Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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@ValeeGrrl: Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she's all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.
@SortaBad: "If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead" - brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
@PieChord: Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.
@donni: MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city ME: So long, suckers! *hops in city and drives away* MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!