@weinerdog4life: Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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@Tmoney68: Give a man a fish and chances are you won't be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
@AverageCorners: 11: Did it rain last night? Me: No. 11: But it's so wet! Me: That's what she said. 11: What? Me: What?
@dannylonglegs99: "Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now" "Emo? Nah yo, EMU" "Im confused.." *A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt* "Hi confused, Im Dad"
@KentWGraham: I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.