@weinerdog4life: Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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@bananagrvyrd: Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
@Scott_A_Gilmore: Oh look! A guy with "Stand-Up Comic" in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back. That's never happened before.
@theroneman: [mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring] Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need... [cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling] Legos