Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
You Might Also Like
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
School be like
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.