Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
You Might Also Like
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
just having fun
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues