@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
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@Fat_Jalbert: Waiter: how would you like your steak? Me: rare [later] Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it* Me: *tearing up* perfect
@Alex_N_Chains: I think it's fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him. He's awfully thin...
@msmegmensa: If burglars broke into my apt, they'd look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says 'get yourself some shit!'
@withanewname: Yoga? No thank you. I'll download an app to my phone so I don't have to stretch for the remote.