@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ohpegah: [playing with a Ouija board with my dog] Board: B A L L Me: I know that's you moving it! Stop! Board: T R E A T S
@unravelingfire: Me: Do you like my new negligé? Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap? Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.