[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Sunday
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes