@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
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@jwoodham: Just once I'd like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, "Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood."
@thejessbess: Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
@bigmacher: Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.