@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
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@1Happytwit: There's a cat curled up on my pillow, and I'd probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
@Cpin42: A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like "Does it really fire babies?" & "Have you seen my son Jeff?"
@BuckyIsotope: Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
@jrza84: I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.