Trying
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[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
😂😂
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Yoga Matt
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.