It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.