@TheMichaelRock: Shoutout to the dozens of people still trying to make Google+ a thing!
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@stephenjmolloy: Magician: "Think of a number." Me: "Okay." Magician: "Are you thinking of a number?" Me: "Yes." *the crowd goes wild with applause*
@aveuaskew: "Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It's just air!" Exactly "What?" It's inflation "I hate you"
@bobvulfov: DRUG DEALER: what'll it be man ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please [at the surveillance van] DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
@PhoenixRises69: It makes me sad that the closest I'll ever get to 'hulking out' is splitting my trousers when I bend over.