Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
adding to the discourse
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.