Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’