Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
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[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes