left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My dad.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…