Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)