Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
How high do the levels go?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*