Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
just got my engagement photos
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.