@Dawn_M_: Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
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@Michabean: My family made a pact that I'm the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I'll slow them down. That's my workout motivation.
@TheAlexNevil: If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
@murrman5: [at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
@gmossii: My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.