@IamEnidColeslaw: SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
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@causticbob: I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point. She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
@jctwritesstuff: Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you've eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right? Hey, fellas
@daemonic3: Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the "free candy" on my van. *crosses off "candy" and writes "wi-fi"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.