SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
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Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Worth a try
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.