Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
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How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I’m putting together a team
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.