Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Doggies just call it style.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.