Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Genius idea!!
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.