Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
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1. Be young.
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Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
me adding lol on a serious message
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
How all things should be taught/explained.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵