Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
umm…
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
sugar glider wrangler
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.