@meganamram: Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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@david8hughes: [1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there's someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it'd be hard to drown in the sand
@mjkspeaks: [interview] THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it? ME: thank you.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Weather channel: It's going to get up into the mid-30's this afternoon but it'll still feel like it's in the teens. Me: Literally me.
@jesse_street: *gets laser eye surgery* "Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?" I told you, that's not what— *i squint at him real hard but he's right*