I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
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My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I’m not wrong
No. YOU-buprofen.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.