Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree