Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
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Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this